it's kind of random, but hey why not....
Living magically is not all that it is cracked up to be. You can try all that you want but for some reason that feeling creeps in and takes you over. Do you ever get that feeling- you know- that feeling that you get in the morning where you open your eyes and take your first deep breath and the anxiety sets in? Eventually it goes away but in that moment you are sick. It can be the simplest of problems, but in that early morning hour life seems bleak. Maybe this feeling only comes upon me, but I am pretty sure I am not alone.
My name is Brittany. I am turning twenty-three in a week and I am completely single. Like so single. So single that I cannot describe to you how single I am. There is no prospect, no interest, just me and a little computer that I call Maggie. I have not always been single. In fact I am recently single. I just broke up "mutually" with my boyfriend of three years a month and a half ago. Well...the three years is debatable, but I would say three years, he might say two and a half, but who cares at 22 it was hella long. After going through all the emotions that come from detaching yourself from another human being that you care for, I've decided that there is only one thing that I can do. Live. Simply live...Magically...and single.
I was at a birthday party a few weeks after my break up. After looking around the room at all the young and wild sexuality running rampant in front of me, I decided that something is wrong. Everywhere I turned I felt an unspoken jealousy and the need to impress. Females comparing themselves to one another and males sizing them up. Being newly single this was something that I was not used to, but I found myself feeling it. This observation made me take an introspective look at my life. Why does society put so much emphasis on love and finding the perfect mate? Why is all the joy that we will find only seen in finding it with somebody else?
A few days later I was at a house show. Musicians gathered together and played beautiful music. It should have been a wonderful time, but still every song the female voice sang involved finding her love and waiting on love. As if after finding this love she would be happy forever. I wish we could write a song or story or watch a movie that focused on some of the other fantastic things that happen in our lives beyond finding romance.
I am a young woman with a lot going for me. Although I do not have a significant other in my life, it does not make me worthless. Why do we spend so much time searching for our missing piece? Why can't I be wholly in love with myself and then find someone who encourages and strengthens that wholeness within me?
I am a romantic to the fullest extent. I love love. I'm the girl that wants everyone to fall in love. This week I've found myself dwelling on my love. I dream of when I find him what he will be like and the magical adventures that we will go on together. How happy I will be when I meet him and he meets me and I can live a life with him that is beyond anything that I have ever dreamed. In the middle of one of these drawn out dreams I had to stop myself and an idea came to me: I am going to live these dreams alone. I am going to live magically alone. I want to find out what living is without the banner of romantic relationships. I will sit and read under a giant tree and have a picnic by myself. Just like I used to do before I cared. I will Kayak, hike, visit museums, ride on roller coasters, watch the sunset and live magically by myself and with the other people that I love so dearly. This is my year of magical thinking and I invite you to partake in it. I am not a man hater, nor am I pledging my singleness, but I am not looking and I am going to find my wholeness in myself with a God who loves me. I want to find real love stories.
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